When Life Hurts

I've spent the last two days just trying to absorb the fact the Mitch is gone. I didn't see him for many weeks as he was at UW Medical Center hoping to get to transplant. Because he was away for so long, it doesn't seem real that he is really gone. I know where he is, but I still keep feeling like he will show up at church or drop me an email. Usually going to the memorial helps with the closure, but I will be out of town so won't have the opportunity to experience that. I have tried today to picture him in heaven, but so far it just all seems kind of unreal. My heart is so heavy for his family. Outliving your kids is not how it's supposed to go. Losing your husband of only a few weeks just seems unfair. Saying goodbye to a 28-year-old brother is a tough one. I will come to a time of celebrating for Mitch's victory over death, but for now I'm just sad.

Today Kathryn called me to say that Seth is doing poorly. His health is deteriorating and they think his brain injury is "cascading". I went to the hospital and arrived when they were doing an MRI to see if the damage is worse than before. His parents are devastated. Even though I've seen that same scene before 20 or so years ago, I felt unequipped to be of help. I'm so glad I got to hold Seth the night before his surgery when he was all smiley and talkative. This little boy and his family are in God's hands and we just pray for a miracle.

Though my faith is strong and I totally trust in God and his dealings with us, it's still painful. I know He knows that pain. I know He knows what's best. I know someday I will understand all of that. I know that just because we believe, we are not immune to the hardest moments of a broken world. And I know that because we go through pain, it doesn't take away from God's mercy and love for us. But for tonight, I'm kinda done. I don't have the energy left to be positive or hopeful. I'm emotionally tapped. I'm too tired to pray even though I am trying. I'm thankful for a new day tomorrow and am ready to take on whatever that day brings good or bad.

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5